Feels Like Home
by Edlyn
Summary: SLASH. SBRL. My first slash fic. Sirius and Remus come to realize they love each other.


"But Lily," James Potter implored his girlfriend for what felt like the millionth time, "it's so nice outside. The Potions OWL's not 'til next Thursday, that's more than a week! Can't we do this tomorrow?"  
  
Lily Evans sighed and snapped her textbook shut impatiently. "You don't have to study with me, James. I'm just trying to help you do better on the exam. After all, you do need an 'O' to go on to Advanced Potions, and if you want that job at the Ministry after we graduate-"  
  
"All right, all right," James grumbled, defeated. He snatched the book from her and reopened it, looking blankly down at the long list of magical fungi and their uses. After just a few moments he looked up at her, exasperated, seeing that she was observing him with a measure of amusement. It only served to further annoy him. "What's going to be on this thing, anyway?" he asked her.  
  
"Professor gave us a study guide last Friday, have you lost it?" She didn't wait for a reply, instead handing him hers to glance over. As he was doing just that he looked up and saw, to his great relief, his best friend sauntering towards their table. Relief ebbed away into faint concern, though, when he saw the expression on Sirius Black's face.  
  
"All right, Padfoot?" he called quietly, not wanting to catch Madame Pince's wrath. It earned him a glare from the librarian all the same.  
  
Lily looked up at Sirius with annoyance, knowing he'd do nothing but distract James from his studying. "Come to join us, then, Sirius?" Still, she couldn't help grinning at his handsome face.  
  
"Lovely Lily," Sirius smiled back at her. "I'm afraid not. D'you mind if I borrow James for a minute? I have a matter of the highest importance I must consult with him on." He was fooling around with Lily but James sensed that this was actually true.  
  
Lily sighed in resignation. "Of course, Sirius. When'll you have him back?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "That depends heavily on… ah… extenuating circumstances."  
  
Lily just laughed before turning back to James. "I'm heading back up to the Tower, all right? Just meet me in the Common Room later."  
  
"All right," James nodded, giving her a brief kiss before following Sirius out of the library. They walked along in silence, into the Great Hall and out onto the Hogwarts grounds. They were descending the stairs when James said in a knowing voice, "you weren't just messing about with Lily, were you? Something has happened."  
  
Sirius sighed heavily. "You're too damn intuitive for your own good, Prongs."  
  
"What's going on, then?" James asked him as they settled themselves beneath an oak tree near the banks of the lake.   
  
"I was looking around for Moony," Sirius began, gazing up at the bright sky and plucking blades of grass from the ground idly. "Thought he could help me make up some stuff for my Divination homework since you were with Lily. I found him in our room, studying, of course, and we talked for a bit. He's just been… different lately. Have you noticed at all?"  
  
"How d'you mean?" James asked him, feeling dread creeping up inside of him. If Sirius had found out what Remus had told him just a week ago…  
  
"I don't know, that's the thing," Sirius said, clearly frustrated. "So I thought- okay, well, I didn't, actually, and there's the problem. I didn't think, I just acted."  
  
James let out a breath, dually anticipating and fearing Sirius's answer to the question he was about to ask. "What did you do?"  
  
There was a long pause. "I kissed him," Sirius said finally, looking away from James in embarrassment.  
  
James just stared at his best friend, shocked beyond words. After a very long silence Sirius looked up at him shamefully, and he found what he wanted to say. "You git," he hissed in a low voice. "What could possibly have driven you to do something like that, Sirius?"  
  
"You don't understand, James," Sirius said in an uncharacteristically quiet voice. "I didn't- it wasn't just something I did without thinking about. It was… I mean, I'm…"  
  
At once James realized what he was trying to tell him and it hit him so hard he had to laugh. "You don't… Padfoot, do you fancy Moony?"  
  
"Don't laugh!" Sirius said angrily, and James subdued himself at once. "You make me sound like I'm a stupid first year with a crush. It's different, Prongs… it's… I don't know. But he's been acting so distant lately and I just couldn't stand it anymore, I had to do something."  
  
James could see the pain and distress in his friend and he felt a surge of affection for him, now that he knew how Sirius felt about Remus. He knew he was about to touch an especially delicate nerve with his best friend but, he thought, that was what he was there for. "How long have you felt this way, then?"  
  
"Since second year," Sirius replied at once. "Since we found out about his being a werewolf and he finally felt comfortable with us." He sighed, leaning against the old oak tree. "I tried to find a way to tell you first, but it was just… too odd, feeling this way about Moony. I thought it would go away if I just ignored it."  
  
"But it didn't," James supplied. He was still trying to hide his smile. This was all working out perfectly. He hadn't even thought it was possible. Sirius just shook his head sadly, and James thought he might as well just come out and say it. "Are you in love with him, Padfoot?"  
  
"Don't know how I kept it from you for this long," was all Sirius said in reply, his voice breaking slightly.  
  
"Did you tell him?"  
  
Sirius looked up at him sharply. "Are you completely daft? As soon as I realized what I'd done I got out of there. He probably already hates me. I didn't see any reason to make it worse."  
  
"No," James said slowly, "no, the only person he hates right now'll be me. Shit!" he exclaimed suddenly, so furiously that Sirius started. "Stay here, mate, I have to talk to Moony." He got up and started towards the castle.  
  
"What?" Sirius exclaimed behind him, also jumping up. He grabbed James's arm. "Don't, Prongs, please. Hopefully he'll just forget about it," he said ruefully.  
  
"He won't," James shook his head with conviction. "That's why I have to talk to him. Now."   
  
Sirius's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What d'you mean?"  
  
James sighed. "Why do you have to have such bloody bad timing, Sirius?" he said in exasperation, wrenching his arm from his friend's grasp.   
  
"What are you talking about?" Sirius practically yelled.  
  
"It was last week," James began. "Right after Moony'd caught you and that Ravenclaw snogging in the corridor. He was a right mess about all of it. I was getting so worried about him, I forced it out him." James fixed his friend with a stern look. "He loves you, Sirius, all right? He's in love with you. Has been for years. And he made me swear I wouldn't tell you, ever."   
  
"So I… when I kissed him, he must have thought…" Sirius was having trouble stringing the words together, as he felt light-headed at James's statement. Remus in love with him? Somehow it didn't seem possible, even though it was everything he had wanted for three years. He looked up at James, struggling to understand. "Are you sure that's what he said?" He couldn't keep the hope from coming through in his voice.  
  
James's sternness melted and he capped his friend's shoulder with a hand. "Just think it over, Padfoot. I'm going to get this sorted out." He was running back towards the castle without another word. He had reached Gryffindor Tower in no time and barely waved at Lily, sitting in the corner, before he was up the boys' dormitory stairs. He opened the door to the fifth years' room cautiously, tiptoeing in. The hangings on Remus's bed were pulled tight and he could hear nothing. James felt a stab of compassion for his friend. He was so insecure, and he'd confided his biggest secret to James… James remembered the pain he'd seen in his eyes when he'd told him. It killed him to think that Remus would ever think he'd betray him.  
  
"Moony?" he called softly.  
  
"Go away, James," Remus replied. His voice was muffled, seemingly by a pillow.  
  
"Moony, this isn't what it seems like at all, trust me, mate," James said, starting towards his bed.  
  
James could hear Remus moving about in his bed and sat down on his own, right next to it. "Isn't it, James?" he said finally, still obscured from view. The sadness was painfully evident in his voice.  
  
"I didn't tell him," was all James said.  
  
"I'm not stupid!" Remus shouted, ripping the hangings out of the way so he could see his friend. "I thought you were my friend, James, but I knew I shouldn't have trusted you with anything. Just like I knew Sirius would take advantage of me for a laugh if he knew about… about…" He scoffed. "I'm an idiot."  
  
"The only reason you're an idiot is for thinking Sirius and I would ever do that to you," James told him quietly, his eyes never leaving Remus's. "I didn't say a word, Remus, you have to believe me. It was something Sirius has been thinking about for a long time too. He loves you. He just told me."   
  
Remus wanted desperately to believe these words, but at that moment he felt like everything he'd depended on for the past few years had been shattered beyond repair. Tears came to his eyes despite himself and he turned away from James, unable to understand why he'd do this to him. "Why are you doing this?"  
  
Seeing Remus so vulnerable, so hurt, was killing James. He moved and sat down next to his friend on his bed, trying not to notice when he moved away. "Sirius is a prat, Moony. He didn't know what he was doing, he was just… confused. He's still confused," James said with a small smile, catching a glimpse of Sirius pacing back and forth under the tree from the window. "But he knows he loves you, has always loved you." There was an awkward silence in which the only sound was Remus's sniffing. "Look, Moony, I'm no good at this. Go and talk to him. If you don't, then, well, it's up to you. But you are stupid if you deny love when it's looking you right in the face." James rose from the bed and left the room, leaving the door open behind him.  
  
Remus sat in stunned silence. He no longer knew what to think. For the past hour he'd thought the people he loved more than anything had betrayed him, had had a joke at his expense that had sent his world crashing down. And yet now, as he relived the moment when Sirius's lips had pressed upon his, he remembered the softness, the shyness of it all. So lovely and so completely unlike confident, cocky Sirius. He remembered the look on his love's face as he pulled away, the fear and apprehension. And then he had fled. It was then that Remus thought he'd realized what it had been about.   
  
He was the logical one, Remus, always working things out. With Sirius all that flew out the window. He fascinated Remus to no end and try as he might, he'd never been able to get his head around him. He loved him for his mystery, his beauty, his confidence. He loved him because he was Sirius. Because he made no apologies. To think any of the love he felt could be reciprocated was too much to hope for.  
  
He took a seat on the ledge of the window, pulling his knees to his chest and watching Sirius intently. Within moments James reappeared and he watched the two converse, and then Sirius broke into a run towards the castle, James close behind. So this was it. He was coming up right now. For a brief moment Remus considered making a run for it, but he had nowhere to go and anyway, it wasn't as if he could hide forever. He'd just have to face the humiliation and get it over with.  
  
When Sirius stepped into the room Remus didn't turn. He listened to him panting for air after running, his soft footfalls as he moved toward him. His had was upon his shoulder. The touch burned and he closed his eyes, but he didn't move away.   
  
"Remus," Sirius whispered, voice hoarse with the emotion that was tearing at him inside. It was the first time Sirius had used his proper name in awhile.  
  
"Sirius," Remus acknowledged, trying to keep his voice even.  
  
"It's not what you think, not at all, Remus. I… you don't understand, I just wanted to know why you were acting so differently, and it was that and everything I felt and it just… it just happened." The words came rushing out of Sirius. "James never said anything, it was… he told me after I'd found him awhile ago."  
  
"Everything you felt?" Remus said in a quiet voice, finally turning to face Sirius. Their eyes bore into one another's, Sirius's sad and sorrowful, Remus's hurt and angry. "What does that mean?"  
  
"You're the smartest person I know, Moony," Sirius said affectionately, attempting a smile. "You can work that one out."  
  
"Don't do this to me," Remus said shakily. "Don't tell me one thing if you're just going to change your mind next week. I see you all the time with girls, snogging whenever there's a spare five minutes, a different one every time."  
  
Sirius shook his head, looking sadder than ever. "I know I've made quite a reputation for myself, Moony, but they were… none of them were anything to me. Nothing but distractions. I've been trying to deny the way I feel about you the whole time. Everyone thinks I'm so funny and charming and smart but I've been killing myself trying to deny how much I love you. I'm nothing, I'm not worth it."  
  
Remus stood then, feeling as though his legs were made of water, and studied Sirius's face up close. Tears were threatening to spill over his cheeks. Lifting one trembling hand he traced his slim fingers over the features of the man he loved more than anything, watching him lean into the touch. He was here, in front of him at last, and yet it all felt strangely unreal. He watched as Sirius reopened his eyes and the emotion between him was suddenly too much. Slowly he moved in, pressing his lips ever so gently to Sirius's. He pulled him into an awkward embrace that got more comfortable as their kiss deepened. Remus emptied everything into that kiss, all his fear and hurt and love, and Sirius did the same.  
  
When they pulled apart both were crying, and their tears mingled as they laughed and pressed their foreheads together, never breaking their embrace. Remus continued to lightly brush his lips over Sirius's lips and cheeks, never, ever wanting the perfect moment to end.   
  
"I love you so much. I always have," Sirius finally muttered after Remus relinquished his lips a second time.   
  
"I love you, too," Remus whispered, brushing stray stands of hair off his love's forehead. "Always have, always will, forever."   
  
Both turned to the door after these words were spoken, as a strangled sob had just come from it. They saw James and Lily locked in an embrace, watching them unabashedly. Lily had tears running down her face. "Oh, you are two of the biggest gits I've ever met!" she exclaimed, running to hug them both. Before they could say anything she gave them a watery smile and rushed out the room. James only gave them a knowing smile and the briefest of nods before following her.   
  
Remus chuckled and turned back to Sirius, who was also grinning widely. "Shall we join them, then?"  
  
"Yes, lets," Sirius replied, entwining his hand with Remus and giving him a brief kiss before they started down the stairs. 


End file.
